Thursday, November 18, 2010

the guilt


Tyler celebrated her 2nd birthday this past weekend. I wish I could say that she had a great day, but it didn't quite turn out like that. Tyler woke up very cranky, we had 3 soccer games to attend, and a house to clean for showings. The final straw was that we decided to take her to a family-friendly sit-down restaurant as a treat. Now, I should know a few things about 2 year olds considering this is my fourth time having one. But somehow I forgot how horrible a sit-down meal is for a 2 year old. Tyler was miserable which made everyone else pretty miserable. I spent half the dinner holding her forcibly in my lap. Happy Birthday Tyler! We redeemed the night with cake when we got home, but the damage was done. The damage to me, that is. I'm pretty sure that the day was a distant memory to Tyler before her head even hit the pillow that night.


Which got me to thinking. I'm usually pretty laid back about birthdays- especially when our kids are young. Why was I so upset and on the verge of a breakdown anytime I saw Tyler the least bit unhappy? The answer was pretty clear. I feel guilty about moving our kids to Peru. I know that Tyler doesn't even know the difference at this point, but the rest of our kids are struggling right now with the move. I realized that my guilt is causing me to work my hardest to make sure that all of my kids are happy every minute of their last few months in the States. Realistic, right?

Riley is having the hardest time- she doesn't want to move. It has nothing to do with Peru. She just doesn't want to move at all. She LOVES her life here. She has an amazing group of friends who have been together for 4 years. Her best friend (who is more like a sister) lives next door and they are together every day. She has soccer, Brownies, and church. I know she talks about the fact that she is leaving with her friends quite a bit and that they are upset too.

Ford seems to be doing fine (even great most days), but then he will get upset about something and his anxiety over the move will come out. He will be crying about getting in trouble and then start asking, "Why do we have to move?" We are trying to go easy on him (and all of our kids) right now because we realize he just can't take much as he processes this move. Ford has very real anxiety issues that flare up whenever big events happen. He can't turn his anxiety off with rational thoughts or comforting words from us.

Brady is Brady. If you know him you know what I mean. He enjoys life and not much can get in the way of that. But he has told us he will absolutely not learn Spanish and that we can't make him. So, there's a part of him that realizes just how different Peru will be and that it will be hard.

With all of that said, I know that we are doing the right thing for our family. I know that our kids will be changed for the better by our move. I know that living in Peru will change their worldview in amazing ways. Our kids will be a part of ministry firsthand. They will be a part of a story bigger than themselves. They will love people in ways that they never have before.

But, right now, I have to look in the eyes of three little people who know that the rug beneath them is being pulled out. They are very aware that they are losing everything they know and the life that we have spent 7 years building will be gone. This is hard.

So, more for my sake then Tyler's, I took her to an over-priced Children's Museum to re-celebrate her birthday. She loved it and kept running around screaming, "More! More! More!" It was a sweet time for the two of us and a little bit of the redemption that I am needing right now. I know that we will see beautiful redemption when we are actually living in Peru, but right now I just needed a small taste of it to get me through the week.



Kim said...

You don't know me personally, but I do hope you read this. I think what you are doing is a great example of how we're supposed to live out the Great Commission. Your children will get a firsthand account of what God expects us all to do. Be brave. This giant leap of faith will be hard, especially for the children, but just imagine how amazing it will be when you get to Heaven and see the masses step forward to say, "thank you!" All because you went to Peru! I'm praying that God opens up hearts down there, and He calms your children's fears. He called us to become fishers of men, and you are doing a fine job of living that out! :)

Anonymous said...

I think for her all worries in the world went away seeing that cake. The look on her face in that first picture seems to be one of awe and the second picture is pure joy eating the cake. It is hard now but I know the children have enjoyed your short term trips to other countries so hopefully in time they will come to realize that they are going to make some great new friends and help a lot of families