Friday, December 12, 2008

car rides & closeness

As I write this Tyler is asleep on my chest. She has been home for over a week now and I’m still soaking in every moment with her. The house is a mess, the grocery store run keeps getting put off, laundry is piling up, and I still haven’t bought one single Christmas present. But Tyler is in my arms, so I’m learning not to care so much about the other stuff.

Just two weeks ago I was wondering if Tyler would ever come home. I was spending hours at the hospital staring at my daughter who I couldn’t hold and who was laying in complete darkness. I was begging God to heal her and to give me the strength to make it through this. One of the most powerful parts of Tyler’s hospitalization were the car rides to and from the hospital.

When Blake and I drove to the hospital together we listened to a worship cd that included a song by Matt Redman. Here are some of the lyrics:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

These words obviously rang more true then ever in our lives during this time. One of the most powerful things that came out of this experience was that my faith never waivered. I was able to praise God’s name and completely trust in Him even though I was in immense pain and darkness. I never questioned Him. Instead I relied on Him and let Him carry me through this experience. Why God allows pain and suffering is not something I can answer simply, but the fact that He does allow it and allowed it to happen to me didn’t change my love for Him. I have walked through the darkness and could sing with all my heart in the car on the way to the NICU to see my baby girl, “Lord, blessed be Your name.”

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Hebrews 13:8

When I drove to the hospital by myself I listened to my favorite Jennifer Knapp cd. One of my favorite songs of all time has the following chorus:

I’m weak, I’m poor
I’m broken Lord, but I’m Yours
Hold me now, hold me now

I played this song over and over and sang these words through streams of tears. I was so weak, so broken. All I had to keep me going was knowing that God was holding me.

A week later, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this experience and for the brokenness it brought. Because brokenness always brings closeness and I yearn to be close to my Lord.


Summer said...

Hi, my name is Summer and I'm in Hannah's SAO family from college. I just wanted to let you know I've been praying for Tyler and I'm so amazed by your faith through it all. Your family is beautiful! Thank you for the inspiration

JTP said...

What a beautiful post!!!!

rachel said...

That really was a beautiful post! Very powerful! I want to say that your family picture is SO GREAT!!!! I cannot even believe that you got such a good shot with 6! I cannot manage to get a good shot of the FOUR of us! Still thinking about you guys! Love your blog!